Author: Paige S.
I would never wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy. It is viscous, controlling, depressing, lonely….I can keep going; however, although developing Anorexia was the worst thing that had happened to me, it also opened my eyes up to my true potential by putting me through the demands of recovery, which I am very grateful for today. Growing up, I was always a little lost: I never had a true sense of identity. The career path I envisioned for myself changed by the daily because everything I thought about doing was contradicted by the reasons why I wasn’t “smart enough” or capable of doing it. When I was FINALLY admitted to my treatment program (took me long enough 😉), I even doubted that I was a “good enough” anorexic. I was so ill that all I would do is compare myself to the other girls and feel ashamed that I didn’t lose more weight. My ill mentality made me believe that I could have kept going if I had the “willpower” – crazy to think that that was the way I used to think. In my mind back then, I still thought of myself as the chubby kid. “What in the hell was I doing in a program for eating disorders?!” I accusatorially would ask myself.
But, as I spent more time in treatment, my eyes opened by the week. I learned more about myself and others than I ever had before. My treatment team had truly saved my life; I owe everything to my doctor and therapists. Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful to them. My family was absent during my time in program, and my mom couldn’t handle all the FBT (family based therapy) demands. I was alone, but I did it. I overcame it.
I am not fully recovered – something I am very honest about. But, I have a lot of hope for
my future – something I never had before. If anyone out there is struggling with an eating disorder, depression, or any mental illness, I promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Never stop fighting. I know I never will.